A sitcom

So this time last year, myself and my good friend wrote a sitcom.

After 8 months of writing and pretending that we’re both funny people we ended up with one script, 7221 words and 31 pages and a big fat stinking rejection email from BBC3.

If you can bare to read 31 pages of what I think it utter comedy gold(for the most part) there here you go:

FIVE GET OVER EXCITED

Pilot”

Written by

Graham Corking

Sammy Griffiths

Additional Material by

Alex Young

Act 1

CUT TO:

INT. WAKE – NIGHT

Joe, Tom, Vitale and Ellette are stood in a line in formal wear looking awkward. Ellette is average height and weight, has long brown hair and is quite fashionable. Clowns surround them having conversations amongst themselves.

JOE

(Pause)

It’s erm… It’s kinda hard to take this seriously.

ELLETTE

Please, clowns or not, funerals are always a serious occasion. I for one am here to pay my respects to a great man.

TOM

Erm, love. You never actually met Brian, all you have to go on is that video we found in his room and I’m still not convinced that was even him.

JOE

Yea, it was hard to tell from that angle, plus the sheep and that 19th century bird bath were in the way.

VITALE

It was impressive the way he managed to keep juggling the whole time though, especially considering the placement of the spinning plate.

ALL

Yeaa…

The gang stares off into the distance deep in thought for a moment until Tom snaps out of it.

TOM

Anyway, let’s get back to what’s important.

ELLETTE

Exactly, saying goodbye to Brian.

TOM

What? I was talking about the rent money he owes us.

ELLETTE

Really? At his funeral?!

VITALE

Sure, it’s ideal; all his family in one place, don’t have to deal with any of this ’email’ nonsense.

ELLETTE

Oh, so you lot prefer to do your debt collecting in person?

TOM

We do, and you’re the one who insists we ‘get a lock for the bathroom’, that’s not free you know.

ELLETTE

5 times Joe has walked in on me in the shower!

JOE

I get curious —

TOM

He gets curious. Anyhow, this money will help you achieve your lock having dreams.

ELLETTE

Yes, but we’re at his fune —

TOM

Hush your face, woman. Vitale?

Tom gestures towards Brian’s mother, he and Vitale walk off towards her leaving Ellette looking furious.

ELLETTE

Shitting twat! Why does he never fucking listen to me!? And why is he always talking to me like that!? Sometimes I think our relationship is just —

JOE

Hey look, a clown.

Joe awkwardly wanders off leaving Ellette standing by herself looking furious.

CUT TO:

INT. WAKE – NIGHT

Brian’s mum is stood in front of a group of people/clowns shaking their hands and talking to them one by one. Tom edges his way to the front and shakes her hand.

TOM

Hello Mrs… Brian. So sorry for your loss, it truly is a tragic day. Tom Larking, I lived with your son…

BRIAN’S MUM

Oh so you’re Tom – oh and you must be Vitale. How nice to finally make your acquaintance, Brian spoke very highly of you both – Joe and Ellette too, of course.

VITALE

He err… He did?

BRIAN’S MUM

Ohh yes dear, he talked about you all the time…

VITALE

But… He lived with us for two —

BRIAN’S MUM

He told me about all the fun you had together, all the adventures you went on.

VITALE

He barely barely even sp —

Brians mum chuckles to herself.

BRIAN’S MUM

He looked back particularly fondly on the time you all went to the beach to fly kites.

TOM

Well that’s err… That’s clearly made up, he basically terrified the sh — that’s not important right now.

VITALE

What Tom is trying to say is… Listen, this is a delicate subject, but Brian, as you well know, was a clown of particularly high moral fiber so I believe it would be his wish that we discuss this with you today.

(Beat)

Before the… Unfortunate incident, Brian had agreed that he would pay us two months worth of rent in advance…

BRIAN’S MUM

Oh, I see.

VITALE

Yes – but he was never able to get the money to us, there was an issue with his online banking, firefox crashed repeatedly, even control, alt, delete didn’t help. As I’m sure you can appreciate, it was a real mess.

BRIAN’S MUM

So you’d like for me to give you this money?

TOM

Yes.

(Beat)

Please.

BRIAN’S MUM

I’ve just put my son in the ground and you’re asking me for £100?!

TOM

Well it was more than 1 —

BRIAN’S MUM

I don’t care how much it was, you little shit!

(Beat)

Now I don’t want to hear about this again! You may stay, but only to pay your respects to my son. Ok!?

TOM

Yes – yes of course.

VITALE

So sorry.

The two begin to walk back towards Ellette.

VITALE

(To Tom)

Well that got ugly fast.

TOM

There is just no talking to that woman.

VITALE

Maybe she’s right… I suppose money isn’t important anyway.

TOM

Yea alright.

They walk up to Ellette who is looking smug.

ELLETTE

Hate to say I told you so, but…

TOM

Ok, ok Elle, I get it, you were ri —

(Excitedly)

Wait… Fuck you

ELLETTE

What?

TOM

Just… Fuck you for a second.

ELLETTE

What on earth!? What makes you think you can talk —

TOM

I’m thinking of something, ok!?

VITALE

Let him think, Elle, he might be on to something… Just look at him there, you can practically see the genius flowing through him.

ELLETTE

What is this…? I don’t even… Tell me to… Have to put up with this… Jesus christ…

Ellette walks off mumbling to herself.

TOM

Ok. Here it is. Give me your hat.

VITALE

But this is my Ernest Hemingway beret.

TOM

Mate… Just… You really don’t help yourself you know.

VITALE

Alright, alright. But at least tell me why you need it.

TOM

All in good time my friend, all in good time.

CUT TO:

EXT. WAKE – NIGHT

Joe wanders outside to get some fresh air. He approaches a clown who is on his own having a cigarette. He’s middle aged, cockney, slightly overweight and ill-tempered.

JOE

Hey, I’m Joe

STEVE

Steve.

The two shake hands

JOE

So how did you know Brian?

STEVE

Who?

JOE

Brian…

Joe gestures towards the wake full of clowns going on inside.

STEVE

Oh I see, because we all know each other, right?

JOE

What? I was just —

STEVE

Just assuming that because I’m a clown I must be here for that funeral?

(Beat)

I didn’t know ‘Brian’, or any of those jokers in there, I’m just here for a few drinks with my friends, like I do every day after work. Is that ok with you?

JOE

You can’t be serious.

STEVE

Do I look like I’m trying to be funny?!

Steve gestures towards his face which we see a close up of, done up in full clown make up as he looks riled up.

JOE

A little bit, yeah.

STEVE

You wannna watch yourself, sunshine.

JOE

Look man, I didn’t mean to offend, I just thought that ‘those jokers in there’ might be —

STEVE

That’s our word! Don’t you dare use our word! If I ever catch you talking like that again they’ll have to feed you through a fucking crazy straw… You got that?

JOE

I think someone needs to just take a deep breath and calm himself down.

Steve is visibly more riled up and makes a grunting, almost growling sound.

CUT TO:

INT. WAKE – NIGHT

Tom and Vitale are walking up to groups of people with Vitales beret which has been molded to the best of Toms abilities into a bag. They approach a group of people.

TOM

Hi, we’re collecting money for charity, care to donate? It’s what Brian would have wanted.

The group put some money in the beret. Tom and Vitale wander away.

VITALE

This isn’t wrong, right?

TOM

Nooo… She didn’t really leave us with much of a choice. Plus who’s to say we’re not charity? We’re certainly less fortunate.

Tom turns to a passer by and holds out the beret.

TOM (CONT’D)

Money for the less fortunate?

He puts some money in and carries on walking.

TOM (CONT’D)

(To Vitale)

See, you need to learn to trust me more.

VITALE

I guess you’re right, and I’ve gotta hand it to you, this is working surprisingly well.

TOM

Of course it is, it’s a fantastic idea, these guys all get that feeling of satisfaction and general… high-and-mighty-ness that comes with charitable giving, and we can finally get something to get rid of those rats and their fancy ‘bubonic plague’.

Tom turns to a passer by and holds out the beret again.

TOM

Care to donate?

Before the passer by can react, Brian’s mum interrupts and begins speaking to Tom and Vitale.

BRIAN’S MUM

What’s this money for exactly?

TOM

Oh err… It’s a home… For underprivileged… Cats.

VITALE

Mmhmm

Brian’s mum has a look of surprised acceptance on her face.

TOM

And their…

VITALE

Oh–

TOM

Schizophrenic…

VITALE

Nope–

TOM

Owners…

VITALE

Nope, too far, one too far there…

Brian’s mum looks them up and down with a look of disdain.

BRIAN’S MUM

Ok, this is how this is going to work, you’re going to give me that money, I’m going to give it to a real charity, then you’re going to leave right now and never bother my family again. Sound good?

VITALE

Of course, so sorry.

Tom looks to Vitale and subtly gestures towards a waiter that is bringing out new food for the buffet table.

VITALE

(Whispering to Tom)

Tom, no.

Tom winks at Vitale.

TOM

(To Brian’s Mum)

Of course, we would be more than happy to — NOW!

Tom throws the beret at Brian’s mum, she stumbles backwards and money is sent flying everywhere. Tom runs to the buffet table, Vitale looks panicked and runs after him. He bumps into the waiter knocking food everywhere, Tom starts to shovel food into his pockets, Vitale sees this and joins in.

CUT TO:

Ellette is stood at the other side of the room talking at an old woman who clearly doesn’t want to be there.

ELLETTE

…But I suppose It’s not so much that he acts that way, it’s that he doesn’t even know —

She notices Tom and Vitale at the buffet.

ELLETTE (CONT’D)

Oh god… Sorry I’ve got to go.

She runs across the room to Tom and Vitale.

ELLETTE

Your plan worked then?

TOM

Shut up and stuff your pockets with those salmon rolls.

ELLETTE

Jesus christ.

She starts to shovel food into her bag begrudgingly.

CUT TO:

Brian’s mum is being helped to her feet by concerned looking clowns, she looks visibly shaken and clowns/people are fussing over her. She looks over to Vitale, Tom and Ellette and a look of fury comes over her face.

TOM

Shit, she’s mobile!

(Beat)

That’ll have to do.

ELLETTE

Cheese it!

The three of them grab one more handful each then scramble out of the door, trying not to slip over on the food all over the floor and dropping more as they go.

CUT TO:

EXT. WAKE – NIGHT

Joe is cornered by a group of 4 or 5 large clowns who surround him, they all have clenched fists and are visibly angry. Joe is looking nervous.

JOE

Look guys, I think we all said some things we didn’t mean, it all got a little out of hand, let’s just start again ey.

(beat)

Ok look, when I said you should all just ‘go back to the circus’ I didn’t necessarily mean —

He’s cut off by Vitale, Tom and Ellette running past, Tom shouts something to Joe which is inaudible thanks to the doppler effect.

JOE

Shit… Erm…

He points to something over the clown’s shoulders.

JOE (CONT’D)

Look! A diversion!

The clowns turn to look and Joe barges his way past them knocking a couple over, he runs after Tom, Ellette and Vitale. The clowns get to their feet and watch as they run into the distance.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT

The gang run up the street to their house and stop, out of breath. They are all panting and leaning on various things trying to catch their breath.

TOM

Well…

(beat)

One of our more successful funerals, that one.

The group all nod in agreement.

Act 2

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Joe, Tom and Vitale are sitting around on the sofas watching the TV, Ellette and Kira are standing near the kitchen door talking amongst themselves. Kira is blonde, attractive, average height and stylish.

JOE

Mate I’m telling you, Bruce Willis was actually dead the entire time.

TOM

Oh man.

(Beat)

So Hans Gruber really had nothing to worry about.

JOE

I know right.

Tom takes a sausage roll from his pocket and starts to eat it.

JOE

Got any of those mini quiches left?

TOM

I think there are some in the fridge.

Joe gets up and walks into the kitchen.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Joe walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge to reveal it’s full of buffet food stolen from the wake, but it’s all just loose in there all over the shelves, it doesn’t look too appealing. He digs around in the huge pile on one of the shelves and pulls out a mini quiche, he begins to eat it then wanders back into the living room.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Joe comes back in and stands by the door watching TV.

JOE

Mmm, that’s some good quiche.

(beat)

We’ll be eating like kings for weeks!

KIRA

Still doesn’t really help your rent situation.

Joe looks to camera and starts to address the audience.

JOE

That’s Kira, she’s Ellette’s friend and works at the pub.

(Beat)

She’s ok I guess, pretty ditsy, but not everyone can keep up with our superior minds.

The camera pans out to reveal Tom is standing next to Joe giving him a dirty look.

TOM

Alright, Muniz.

(beat)

Come on man, don’t break the fourth wall… Show some class.

KIRA

My brother knows a guy who’s just moved here and is looking for a place to live. You could give him a go.

JOE

Wow, how coincidental. That certainly moves the plot along nicely.

Tom gives Joe another dirty look.

VITALE

Eurgh, post-modernism

(beat)

Oh shit, my line… Erm… Oh yeah– Who is this ‘guy’ you speak of?

KIRA

Well I don’t know much about him, just his name’s Marcus and he’s just moved here.

TOM

Where from?

KIRA

(With an upward inflection so it sounds like a question)

Surrey.

TOM

I said where from?!

KIRA

Surrey.

Tom looks confused, then looks to Joe for answers, Joe whispers something in his ear.

TOM

(to Kira)

Ok, continue.

KIRA

Well that’s it, he’s looking for a room, you have a room… I assumed that would be enough.

VITALE

Well you know what they say… When you assume…

(beat)

You’re being a bit of a cunt.

ELLETTE

Just meet with the guy, can’t do any harm… Jesus christ.

TOM

Well excuse us if we’re a bit wary about having some random ‘guy’ join our group. We have a very unique dynamic here.

KIRA

You were fine with a clown joining though?

JOE

We thought clowns were fun, we know better now. Hence, guy waryness.

Tom takes a handful of crushed party foods from his pocket and shovels some into his mouth.

JOE(CONT’D)

(beat)

We’re not saying we won’t meet him, we’re just saying we have high standards.

TOM

(with a mouth full of food)

Mmhmm.

Joe starts to take bits of pasty from Tom’s handful and eat them.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – THE NEXT DAY

We open on a close up of the front door, there is a knock on it. Ellette, dressed in formal wear, opens it. Stood at the door is Marcus, he is average height, athletic looking and stylish.

ELLETTE

(Doing her best ‘secretary’ voice)

Hiii, Marcus?

Marcus nods.

ELLETTE (CONT’D)

Hiii, the guys are waiting for you, if you just want to go on in.

She gestures towards the kitchen door then goes to sit behind the desk in the back on the room and starts shuffling papers. Marcus wanders through.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Marcus comes through the door to find Joe, Tom and Vitale dressed in mismatching/cheap looking suits sitting behind the kitchen table as it was a desk, there is a chair on the other side of it and the whole place has been set up (poorly) to look like an office. They all have big fake-looking smiles on their faces, they turn to look at Marcus as he walks in.

JOE

Hiiii, Marcus. Joe Caddell.

Joe stands up and shakes Marcus’ hand.

JOE (CONT’D)

And this is Tom Larkin and Stan Bromell.

Vitale stands up and shakes Marcus’ hand.

VITALE

Call me Vitale, I haven’t gone by Stan in years.

(beat)

Such a… Common name.

JOE

(quietly to Vitale)

I just thought it would be more professional to use your real name.

VITALE

(quietly to Joe)

No one calls me that anymore, I chose Vitale for a reason.

The three of them start to argue under their breath to each other until Marcus clears his throat, they snap out of it and go back to their big fake smiles towards him.

MARCUS

Vitale. Like Louie Vitale?

VITALE

(surprised)

Yeah!

(beat)

Wow, most people assume it’s as in Klitschko. I’m huge fan of father Vitale’s peaceful protests.

MARCUS

What did you think of his recent work protesting the Minuteman III?

A look of panic comes over Vitale’s face.

VITALE

(Bluffing his way through it)

Erm… Yeah… Definitely… It was very, very… Erm… Good. He’s just very… Good…

(beat)

That particular minuteman is the worst one, I think.

MARCUS

Do you think it was worth it though? I mean, he’s spent the last 8/9 months awaiting trial and ultimately their protesting didn’t stop anything at all, the U.S. Still have 450 land-based Minutemen on high alert.

VITALE

(beat)

Well… Yes… Of course that’s true…

(beat)

But how else do you stop men with the power of time travel?

MARCUS

(confused)

What? —

VITALE

(Interrupting to change the subject)

So I think you’re exactly what we’re looking for and see no reason we should continue this meeting.

TOM

Woah now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We run a tight ship here Marcus, and we need to make sure you have the right stuff.

(Shouting through to Ellette)

Elle?

ELLETTE

(Shouting through from the living room)

Yes Hun?

TOM

Could you bring through the list of questions please?

ELLETTE

Sure thing, hun.

Beat

TOM

(To Markus)

She’s bringing them through.

Ellette walks through the door and up to the desk and places a wad of paper on the desk.

TOM

Ah, thank you dear.

Ellette exits, Tom picks up the paper and it unfolds like old connected printer paper to reveal its incredibly long.

TOM

Had to search 6 different stationary shops for that gag… Totally worth it.

(beat)

So what do you think you can bring to the house?

MARCUS

Erm.. Well I moved here for work, so I’ll have a secure job and will always be able to contribute to rent and bills.

TOM

I won’t lie, Marcus. That’s great stuff, we like that a lot.

(Beat)

Continue.

MARCUS

Erm.. I’ve just been on holliday to Switzerland and brought back a huge flag you can have.

TOM

Well that’s a big plus.

Beat

Tom looks to camera and winks.

MARCUS

I guess I like to think I’m a good roommate, I clean up after myself, I’m easy going…

Marcus looks at the guys who we see aren’t looking too interesting.

MARCUS (CONT’D)

…I err… I have an xbox and the new FIFA?

The guys all perk up.

Beat

JOE

One second…

Joe, Tom and Vitale start discussing something barely audible, amongst themselves.

TOM

You’ve got yourself a new house, my man!

CUT TO:

INT. PUB – THE NEXT DAY

Tom, Vitale, Ellette and Kira are sat around a table in the pub, empty plates are around the table as though they have just had lunch, Marcus has left to go to the toilet. Kira is in her pub work uniform and on her break. Joe is at the bar but walks back over to the table and sits down with a drink.

JOE

So I’ll tell you my issue with superman…

TOM

What?

JOE

Why does no one recognise him just because he takes his glasses off?

TOM

Well people just don’t believe mild-mannered Clark Kent could possibly be Superman, even if they do think they look similar.

VITALE

Well that’s one as well, why are all super heroes ‘mild-mannered’? You never get ‘complete bastard, Clark Kent’.

TOM

(Beat)

… My god I need a job.

VITALE

So anyway, how cool is Marcus? He’s exactly what we’ve been missing.

TOM

Oh yeah Marcus is the best, destroyed me at fifa earlier.

JOE

He said we should go to the match on Sunday.

TOM

Yeah I’m in, it’s nice to have another man in the gang.

(To Joe and Vitale)

I mean you two are just–

ELLETE

Gay..

TOM

You took the words out of my mouth, babes.

JOE

Hey it’s called hygiene, maybe you should try it out some time, Mr mono-brow.

TOM

I don’t have a Mono–

ELLETTE

No, Marcus, he’s totally gay.

VITALE

What? ‘Cause he’s wearing a pink shirt? That’s homophobia…Enoch.

ELLETTE

He’s gay, not black, idiot.

JOE

He can’t be gay, he’s so masculine.

VITALE

There’s no way he’s gay, when I was at Oxford I had plenty of gay friends. None of them were like Marcus.

ELLETE

Oh please, you went there for like, what? A month before you felt homesick and came home?

KIRA

Oh yeah he’s totally gay, the pretty ones always are, sigh.

We start to hear Joe’s thoughts, everything drops to black and white. The cast are wearing trench coats and hats in a noir homage

JOE (V.O.

I only had 24 hours to work it out. What did everything mean Was Marcus gay, did he kill snakes or was it fingers? I’d been searching for the stash for years, all the clues led me to believe I could find the answers there, instead I’m here at the bottom of a bottle and the end of a cigarette…

Joe shakes his head and snaps out of it.

TOM

Another one of your Noirpisodes?

Joe nods.

TOM (CONT’D)

Damn.

Beat.

JOE

Okay I bet both of you he’s not gay and we’ll prove it tonight.

ELLETTE

You going to fuck him?

Marcus returns from the toilet.

MARCUS

Ooh who’s fucking who?

TOM

Oh Marcus! Hey, fancy a game of pool?

MARCUS

Sure thing.

TOM

Cool, go and wait by the pool table, I’ll meet you there.

Tom gently pushes Marcus towards the pool table. Marcus looks back confused. Tom points towards the pool table.

TOM

Over there!

Marcus looks confused and walks over the pool table and starts chatting to the strangers who are playing pool.

ELLETTE

So are you going to fuck him? I mean I understand, Tom said it’s been 7 months, you must be frustrated.

JOE

Sorry to disappoint, love, but we’ll be out on the town tonight, and I bet Marcus will be fighting women off all night.

KIRA

Cos he’s gay?

JOE

You know exactly what I meant!

ELLETTE

Please, he’s totally gay, he may as well be over there singing show tunes.

VITALE

Wow, nice stereotyping, now that is homophobic.

ELLETTE

Yea, ok, you’re right, I apologise.

(To Tom)

I like what you’re wearing by the way.

TOM

Oh thanks, Marcus picked it out for me, said it makes me look like a young Brando.

ELLETTE

…Do you hear these words coming out of your mouth?

TOM

Oh what? That’s not gay! That’s just stating a fact, I do have the same raw sexuality as marlon Brando did in his prime, anyone could see it.

VITALE

Not that it would matter if he was gay.

TOM

Not at all… But he’s not.

ELLETTE

It would be kinda cool if he was though, someone to go shopping with, help us pick out shoes.

KIRA

Oooh, I’ve always wanted a gay guy to help me pick out shoes… Gays are the only ones that understand my feet.

ELLETTE

Well let’s take him shopping, that’ll prove how gay he is. I was intending to sort out my CV today… But this sounds much more interesting!

TOM

Wait, so girls like gay guys?

ELLETTE

Love them.

Tom gives Joe a ‘knowing’ look.

JOE

I know that look, you’re hatching a plan!

Tom puts his arm round Joe.

TOM

Joe m’lad… We’ll get you a female yet.

(Beat)

We’re going shopping!

Tom and Joe look excited.

CUT TO:

INT. CLOTHING SHOP – DAY

Tom and Joe are stood in the corner of the shop by the T-Shirts.

TOM

Right, here’s my plan.

JOE

I still don’t see why you couldn’t have told me in the pub, or on the way here.

TOM

Because that was in between scenes– Now, we’ve established that ladies love the gays, yes?

JOE

Certainly seems that way.

TOM

So my plan is this; we pick you out a lady, you pretend to be gay… she falls in love with you… And… Yea… There we are.

JOE

Wow… I cannot see any flaws in that plan… Not a one… It’s genius.

TOM

You sound surprised. Anyway, see any females that you like?

JOE

Errr.. Over there by the scarves.

TOM

Oh ey yea, good eye.

JOE

I just thought; gays… Scarves.

TOM

…Right.

JOE

(Beat)

So, at the risk of sounding insensitive, how do I trick this girl into thinking I’m a gay so she’ll get with me?

TOM

Naa that’s not insensitive, it’s a valid question.

(Beat)

Errm.. Let me think. Umm… Where’s Vitale when you need him?!

(Beat)

Ooh, I know, put this on.

Tom picks up a T-Shirt that reads “Flame on!” in rainbow letters and has a picture of the Human torch looking camp and walking a miniature poodle, he hands it to Joe.

JOE

This is a small.

TOM

Joe, Joe, Joe. The gays are a proud creed, they always wear clothes that are too tight, to show off their figure.

JOE

Oh yea, that makes sense.

TOM

Of course it does, now put it on.

Joe quickly whips off his own shirt and puts on the T-Shirt, it is far too tight on him exposing his midriff.

JOE

How do I look?

TOM

Gayer than Vitale.

JOE

Haa, nice one. It’s not as enjoyable making fun of him when he’s not here mind.

TOM

You’re right, remind me to tell him that one later. Anyway, get over there you big queer, you. Oh and make sure to say things like fierce and fabulous, things of that ilk.

(Beat)

Probably throw in a few ‘girlfriends’ for good luck.

CUT TO:

INT. CLOTHING SHOP SCARVES SECTION – DAY

Joe walks nervously up to the girl he picked out (Emily), she’s average height, blonde and slim, he awkwardly positions himself into a camp stance behind her.

JOE

Girlfriend that scarf is fab!

Emily turns around in slight surprise.

EMILY

Oh… I wasn’t sure, you really think it’s fab?

JOE

(Nervously)

Not only fab, but fierce too… Girl– Girlfriend.

(Beat)

I’m gay.

EMILY

(Giggling)

I thought as much, I’m Emily.

JOE

Joe– Joseph… I’m Joseph.

EMILY

So, Joseph. What do you think of this one?

CUT TO:

INT. HMV – DAY

Ellette, Kira and Marcus are browsing DVDs and CDs.

ELLETTE

Oh I love queer eye for the straight guy, need to get Tom on there.

KIRA

I bet you love that don’t you Marcus?

MARCUS

Not really my cup of tea to be honest. Give me some breaking bad or match of the day.

ELLETTE

What about this?

She points at pinks greatest hits.

MARCUS

Never really been a fan on the Pink to be honest. More of a Marvin Gaye kind of guy.

KIRA

Thats what I thought.

ELLETTE

I could do with going to Topshop, Marcus, fancy helping us pick out some clothes?

MARCUS

Ooh great let’s go.

The girls looks at each other and smile, Fashion by David Bowie starts to play.

CUT TO:

INT. SHOPPING CENTRE – DAY

MONTAGE

Cuts between shots of Joe helping Emily pick out clothes and shoes etc. She tries on outfits while he acts incredibly camp. At one point emily turns round and he starts to read a lads mag, Tom runs up and has a go at him until Emily turns back around and Joe acts like he was hitting on Tom. And the girls taking Marcus around the shops, sometimes he will be doing what could be considered manly things such as looking at football magazines and fighting based video games. And sometimes he will be doing what could be considered gay things, such as picking out clothes for the girls and judging their outfits etc. Leaving the girls thoroughly confused.

CUT TO:

EXT. SHOPPING CENTRE – DAY

Joe is trading numbers with Emily as Tom is stood a few meters away, Ellette and Kira come out of the shopping centre and walk up to Tom as Joe hugs Emily and walks over to Tom too.

TOM

So how was your little test?

ELLETTE

Inconclusive.

TOM

And where’s the lad now?

ELLETTE

He said he was just popping back to get a skinny late and a copy of nuts magazine.

TOM

(Excitedly)

Oooh —

ELLETTE

He said he wants to read their interview with Gloria Steinem.

TOM

(Disappointedly)

Oh —

KIRA

We just don’t know what to make of it… Couldn’t we just ask him if he’s gay?

TOM

Jesus christ! We have some tact you know!

JOE

He’s right, you can’t just come right out and ask someone if they’re gay, it’s incredibly homophobic.

KIRA

Why?

JOE

Because then he’ll think we care if he’s gay.

KIRA

But you do care.

TOM

We don’t! We’re just… Curious.

KIRA

So just tell him that.

ELLETTE

They’re right, Kira. When you come to be our age and finish uni, you’ll learn a thing or two about how these things work.

KIRA

Ok I suppose, I just thought —

TOM

Yeah great. Anyway, full marks to Joe here, he convinced that girl that he could help her with shoes and got her number.

JOE

Why thank you my man, I think you deserve some of the credit though, it was your plan after all.

TOM

It’s what I do.

Marcus, carrying bags of shopping walks out of the door and up to the gang.

MARCUS

Now then guys, successful shopping trip all round. Let’s go home ey.

Act 3

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Joe and Vitale are sat on the sofa, Tom is eating a bowl of cereal, the Garfield and Friends theme can be heard coming from the TV.

JOE

Why does Garfield hate Mondays? I mean… He’s a cat. He has no job to get to, he doesn’t work. All he does is eat all the lasagna and make snide comments.

VITALE

Of course he works, he entertains millions of people on a daily basis, that can’t be easy.

JOE

Well if that’s as hard as you make it out to be, and he’s so lazy… Why does he do it?

VITALE

You can think too much about these things, Joe.

Beat.

They watch the TV in silence for a moment.

VITALE (CONT’D)

Maybe he likes the money.

JOE

You think Garfield would sell out all his values for a quick buck?

VITALE

Well if Johnny Rotten did it…

JOE

Mate, you have got to let that go.

VITALE

I’m not letting it go until I’m refunded all the money I spent on that guys music!

JOE

I still maintain that he’s just really passionate about butter.

Vitale stands before replying.

VITALE

You’re living in a dream world, man. A dream world!

He sits down tamely again and they continue to watch TV. Tom walks through the front door and sits down on the sofa.

Beat.

JOE

So it’s Friday, we’re ‘hip and happening’. What does everyone fancy doing?

VITALE

Pub? Club?

TOM

Naa, I quite fancy somewhere… You know… In between a night club and a pub, somewhere like that.

CUT TO:

EXT. CLUB – NIGHT

Joe, Tom, Marcus, and Vitale are stood in an alley way, a pub can be seen to one side of them and a night club to the other.

JOE

Well this is shit.

TOM

Sorry guys… Not really sure why I thought this would be a good idea.

MARCUS

Shall we head?

JOE

Where to?

VITALE

Well Empire’s always the best place to go around here.

JOE

Bar none.

VITALE

Exactly, thank you Joe.

JOE

No, Bar None… Emily just texted asking if we fancy going to Bar None.

MARCUS

That’s a gay bar right?

JOE

Is it? Well she does think I’m gay, long story, don’t worry, I’m on top of it… I’m not though… Gay, that is… Not that it would matter if I was… I mean, of course there’s those feelings I get when I watch Alec Baldwin… But no…

TOM

Might be good, maybe Vitale could get his own queer fancier —

Vitale clears his throat alerting Tom to Marcus

TOM (CONT’D)

Oh.. Err.. I mean… Homosexual enthusiast.

Vitale gives Tom a subtle thumbs up.

TOM (CONT’D)

So what about it Tarly, fancy meeting some women?

VITALE

Well as Virginia Woolf once said —

TOM

(Interrupting)

Great stuff. Everyone else?

They all nod and generally agree.

TOM (CONT’D)

Lets go get Vitale and Joe some females!

CUT TO:

INT. BAR NONE – NIGHT

Joe, Vitale, Tom, and Marcus walk through the door of Bar None to find loud pumping music, disco lights and lots of men dancing with each other.

TOM

Wow… Absolute sausage fest in here.

VITALE

You’re not wrong.

JOE

Hey, there’s emily.

Joe waves to Emily who spots him, he then starts to run over to her.

MARCUS

Shall we get a drink, lads?

TOM

Why not, ey.

Joe runs up to Emily and they hug, she is wearing a completely mismatched outfit with cheesy shiny pink shoes.

EMILY

Heeyyy, great to see you here… look! I’m wearing the outfit you picked for me.

JOE

And you look fantastic in it, hun.

I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross starts to play.

EMILY

Oooh I love this song, care to dance, babe?

JOE

Let’s… boogie on down!

They begin to dance, Joe dances really awkwardly with strange flailing leg movements, he starts to get into it and looks over to Joe, Marcus and Vitale who are standing in the corner with drinks in their hands. He smiles and waves as they look on in disgust.

TOM

(Beat)

He dances like he has polio.

MARCUS

Oh there’s my friend Samuel…

Tom and Vitale look at each other worryingly.

MARCUS (CONT’D)

I know him from rugby.

They look pleasantly relieved.

MARCUS

(Running off and waving)

Oh Sammy!

TOM

Right, that’s it, we need to work this one out.

VITALE

Well, there’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea that believe a mans sexuality can be determined from the colour of his penis. They believed that a homosexual would have a slight purple tint to his member.

(Beat)

I think that’s it.

TOM

So I just have to see what colour his dick is?

VITALE

Basically.

(Beat)

Look, he’s going into the toilet now, go and see if you can get a good look.

TOM

(Sighs)

I guess if that’s what must be done.

He braces himself and starts to walk.

VITALE

Oh and Joe…

Joe stops and turns to look at Vitale.

VITALE (CONT’D)

Good luck.

JOE

Lucks got nothing to do with it.

He turns back and walks on towards the bathroom, Vitale nods approvingly.

VITALE

(To himself)

Brave, brave man.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR NONE MALE TOILETS – NIGHT

Tom walks into the toilet and sees Marcus stood at a urinal, he goes and stands at the urinal next to him and pretends to start urinating.

TOM

(To Marcus)

Now then.

MARCUS

Hey man.

TOM

Going to the toilet I see.

MARCUS

(Beat)

…Indeed I am.

TOM

Good stuff.

Tom subtly glances down at Marcus’ groin, then forwards again, he starts to glance back and forth each time staring at his groin for longer and less subtly until he is just staring at it with a confused look on his face.

MARCUS

Erm… Tom.

TOM

(Without looking up)

Yeah?

MARCUS

My eyes are up here.

TOM

Hang on, I’m just checking something.

MARCUS

What?!

Tom looks up suddenly.

TOM

(Nervously)

Oh shit… Erm… There’s a penny down there… I was trying to see the year… I collect them.

Marcus finishes up and looks down at the penny.

MARCUS

Looks like… 1995. But I wouldn’t pick that up, it’s in what looks like piss… Amongst other things.

TOM

Oh 1995? Great! Don’t have that one.

He bends down and picks up the penny then pauses for a moment in disgust, then carries on enthusiastically.

TOM (CONT’D)

Anyway, expect to see you on the dance floor soon man.

(Beat)

See you out there.

He hurries off.

TOM

(To himself)

Why didn’t I say I did have that one?

(Beat)

Eurgh.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR NONE – NIGHT

Tom comes out of the bathroom and walks awkwardly towards Vitale who is stood by the bar.

VITALE

Well?

Tom walks up to the bar.

TOM

(To the bar tender)

Could I get some kitchen roll or something please?

The bar tender nods and walks away.

TOM (CONT’D)

(To Vitale)

Still inconclusive.

VITALE

Inconclusive?!

TOM

Well it looked a bit red, does that mean anything?

VITALE

Red you say?

(Beat)

Maybe it was red that meant homosexuality…

TOM

You mean you don’t even know?

VITALE

Well it’s either red or purple.

(Beat)

Or blue.

TOM

Jesus christ.

The bar tender comes back and hands Tom a piece of kitchen roll. He wipes his hand off.

VITALE

What hap —

TOM

It doesn’t matter.

VITALE

But —

TOM

It doesn’t matter!

(Beat)

Let’s just have a drink.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR NONE – NIGHT

Joe is still dancing with Emily, the song ends and they both stop dancing, tired.

JOE

Phew, fancy a drink?

EMILY

Ooh sure thing darl.

JOE

Back in a tick!

Joe walks to the bar and orders 2 drinks, as he’s doing this Tom and Vitale walk up to him.

TOM

Hey man, how’s it going with whatserface?

JOE

Emily. And yea great thanks.

TOM

Got any yet?

JOE

Naa, well I can’t really can I, she thinks I’m gay and all.

TOM

Oh yea true.

JOE

See you later.

TOM

In a bit.

Joe starts to walk away with his drinks then pauses and looks back at Tom.

JOE

Wait… How is this supposed to work… How can I get with her if she thinks I’m gay?

TOM

Erm…

JOE

God damn!

TOM

It’s fine, it’s fine… How about this… You tell her she’s turned you.

VITALE

Turned him?

TOM

Fixed him then.. What ever.

VITALE

That’s not really what I me–

TOM

You just tell her that you’ve never met a girl like her, she’s everything you want romantically etc.

JOE

(Relieved)

Right, yea, you’re right, that’ll work, cool, cheers man.

Joe walks back towards Emily with his drinks.

TOM

Ooh, Tarly, is that Marcus going to the toilet again? Your turn, go see what colour it is.

VITALE

Is that him?

TOM

Looks like him, off you pop.

Vitale nervously walks towards the toilets.

TOM (CONT’D)

(To himself)

My god I’m fantastic at sorting things.

CUT TO:

Joe returns to Emily with drinks, he hands one to her, they start to dance.

JOE

I’ve got something to tell you.

EMILY

What’s that darl?

JOE

You’re everything I’m looking for.

EMILY

What?

JOE

Romantically, you’re everything I’m looking for romantically.

EMILY

What are you talking about?!

JOE

You’re body, you’re face… You’re whole set up… it’s great.

EMILY

So you think I look like a man?

JOE

No! No. I’m just not gay.

EMILY

So you lied to me!?

JOE

Noo!

EMILY

Well it must be one. Which is it?

JOE

I erm… I’m not…

Beat.

Joe looks worried and confused, but slowly a smile starts to creep across his face.

JOE (CONT’D)

(Chuckling)

Ooohh, I see. I get it now! You big joker!

CUT TO:

We see that a group of clowns are dancing next to Joe and Emily, the same group of clowns that took offense to Joe at the funeral. They turn round when hearing the word Joker and look furious.

STEVE

What did you fucking say?!

JOE

What? — Oh shit.

STEVE

Pretending to be gay and using clownist slurs?! Not on my watch. After him lads!

JOE

God damn!

Joe starts to run and the angry mob of clowns chase him.

EMILY

(Shouting after Joe)

Don’t even bother coming back! You twat!

CUT TO:

Tom is leaning at the bar as Joe followed by a mob of clowns run past and out the door.

TOM

See you later man!

(To himself)

What a guy.

Ellette walks in the door, spots Tom and walks over to him and gives him a kiss.

TOM

Hey babes, you got my text then.

ELLETTE

I did indeed, been a good night?

TOM

Fantastic!

(Beat)

Except the prices here, daiquiris for a fiver? Might as well bend over now.

A guy walks past as Tom is saying this.

GUY

(As he walks past)

Ooh yes please!

Tom looks confused for a moment but is interrupted by Vitale appearing from the toilet, looking pale and scared.

TOM

Jesus Christ you look like shit mate.

VITALE

I want to go home.

ELLETTE

Oh is it a… bottom problem?

VITALE

What no, no, nothing, I just want to go home.

A transvestite comes out of the bathroom, walks over to Vitale and slips a card in his back pocket.

TRANSVESTITE

Call me.

Ellette and Tom start to laugh.

TOM

Oh mate.

ELLETTE

Let’s get you home, ey.

She puts her arm round Vitale and the three of them walk outside.

CUT TO:

EXT. BAR NONE – NIGHT

Vitale, Ellette and Tom walk outside to find Joe sat down by the door looking pretty beat up. There are clear giant clown shoe prints all over him.

ELLETTE

What happened to you?!

JOE

I guess you’d say karma.

Tom starts to stare at something off camera. He looks confused.

TOM

Erm… Guys.

He points to what he was starting at and the camera cuts to Marcus who is kissing a guy at the other side of the street.

JOE

Hey, what do you know, Elle was right.

VITALE

Well I’ll be.

Marcus finishes up and walks over to the gang as they are talking.

MARCUS

Hey guys.

TOM

So you’re erm–

MARCUS

Gay?

ALL

Yea.

MARCUS

Yes I am.

TOM

It’s funny, Ellette said you were, we’ve been trying to figure it out this whole time.

MARCUS

(Beat)

Why didn’t you just ask?

FADE OUT

END

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